Home Sweet Empty

It's really stupid and childish how I'm STILL dwelling on the move, and it makes my mom really upset, but I can't freaking help it. I was completely in love with my house and my neighborhood. When I think, I still think in terms of my house. Like you say something about "my room" and I imagine my room in the house. And I was thinking about having a New Years party again and I was imagining everything taking place in the house. Its stupid but I can't help i. That house was my life, I grew up there. And everyone is like "well you're 19, you were going to be moving out soon anyways." And it's like yeah, but I figured I'd still be able to go back there. I don't know, I guess I just always figured it would be like the family house. We bought into the community when it was being planned, and we picked the features for the house. We chose to put the upper deck, we chose the skylights in the master bathroom, etc etc. Its our house. I really hope I can buy it back eventually. I cant imagine the rest of my life without owning that house. Its stupid I guess but I can't help it. If that house was a person, I'd marry it. I know, I know. LAME. But I really don't care.

Still Alive, and Still Whiny

Its been a long ass time and I don't really have a legitimate excuse, considering I have been doing NOTHING with my life. I still don't have a job, I decided to take this semester off from school entirely (dumb) so I do very little. Its terrible.
Taking this semester off of classes has been both a great and awful decision. Its awful because I'm miserable and I miss school like crazy. But its great because this intense longing for school assures me that I will eventually go back, and I'm not just going to become a deadbeat. And also its kind of necessary because I need the time to myself to get back in a good place mentally, and sort out my head and shit. And hopefully get in some work experience...if I ever get a fucking job.
The annoying thing about this whole job search, is that the process of applying for a job and such is REALLY REALLY REALLY difficult for someone with anxieties like I have...but no one else can truly understand that so they think its just laziness and excuses. I want a job, I really do, but just the thought of going in somewhere and asking for an application is so inexplicably terrifying that its close to impossible to bring myself to do it.

Anyway today started off great, out of nowhere I got this burst of energy and inspiration and i felt amazing and I decided I wanted to start playing piano again so I went and bought myself two big books of sheet music (with my mom's money...I haven't told her yet...I hope she isn't too mad), one of Debussy and one of more contemporary stuff (its awesome, its like 60 songs from Rolling Stone's '500 Greatest Songs of All Time' the 70s-90s. So many fabulous songs) and then I went to the grocery store like I was supposed to and bought some pumpkin spice coffee creamer, which makes my coffee taste like God, and I just felt like I was on top of the world.
But then I got home and wanted to listen to some of the songs in the books I got so I could get them in my head really well before starting to learn them, but my iPod is dead and my mom confiscated my laptop like a week ago (for no good reason other than she's a huge bitch) and my mom's computer's speakers dont work and my charging dock slash speaker thing for my iPod has been missing since we moved. And I tore apart the basement looking for it and a ton of other stuff that's been missing for ages and I just go so frustrated with not being able to find it that I basically went nuts.
I've calmed down a little bit since (mostly by ranting at people on the internet and stomping around the house muttering "I'm insane I'm insane I'm insane"), but I still feel like I have Officially Flipped My Lid. Not a fun feeling.
In summation, I'm crazy and this keyboard is the biggest pain in the ass EVER to type on (so another thing, I haven't been able to write at all because I can never do as well writing stuff down by hand, I think faster than I can write. So that's also making me nuts). Hopefully though I'll be getting back to writing regularly and hopefully I'll stop feeling like an insane asylum escapee.

Whining

The only thing I have to say right now is I HATE THIS STUPID MOVE.

More Love, and More Money

So my mother took pity on poor little me and bought me a tank of gas. She figured I could use a little relaxation--I didn't mention to her that I wasn't sure how relaxing the weekend could be with Dumbass there.
As far as things with Dumbass, they got worse before they got better. But they did get better--a lot better. We made up Friday morning, and actually ended up spending most of Friday night and all of Saturday together. It was actually kind of weird...in between our usual bickering and childish behavior, he was acting kind of boyfriend-like. Which, considering it was made painfully clear to me by his best friend that he was only interested in being friends, was confusing. But my theory (which I am pretty confident of) is that he just doesn't know the difference between being nice to a girl friend and being nice to a girlfriend. But oh well. It made for a pretty nice weekend for me.

In other news, though, I think driving around on no gas constantly has completely fucked my gas mileage. It normally takes between a quarter to a half a tank of gas to get down there, but on Friday it took just about the entire thing. Granted, that could have something to do with the fact that traffic was RIDICULOUS and the trip took two hours longer than normal. BUT. Just about the same thing happened on the way back, and there was no traffic or anything that time. So yeah. Thats a bit of a problem.

Hopefully I can get a job and start making some money and be able to take more weekend trips down there over the next year...its going to get pretty lonely at the end of August, when all my friends go back to school. At least my university isn't far, so I can hopefully see my friends from school fairly often. I'm just worried though. This summer has been tolerable mainly because I at least had my friends to fall back on. I don't know whats going to happen when they all leave. Its really hard for me to make new friends, too, because I'm so fricking shy. Meh. We'll see what happens I guess. At least I'll have more time for work and school work? I need to practice that balance though, of work and play.

I have three dollars now, but my dad left me a bunch of money (and an accompanying list of things to do) before he went out of town this morning. Excellent. Some of that money is going to be spent because I'm going to Red Lobster with Barbie and Skipper tonight, but thats okay. I need a bit of self-pampering.

Love and Money

Well the good news is everything worked out fine with Barbie and Skipper and Dumbass and crew.

The bad news is I'm still poor.

I currently have four dollars, and no gas, and I'm in need of some things too. I'm also trying to make a visit down to the other side of the state this weekend, to see my friend Chopstick. She moved down there basically permanently for school, and she wants me to come see her and her new apartment. And I want to go! But I don't have the money for the gas. Originially I was going to ride down with Dumbass and our other friend Firefly, because they were going to go down too, but then Dumbass decided to go down a day early with his buddy Spider and go to an amusement park on the way. I can't go down Thursday since I have class, plus I don't have money for an amusement park. Not to mention I wasn't even actually invited. And then Firefly decided he wasn't going to go down at all. So I basically have to try and scrape together enough money to make it down on my own. Which will be difficult. And I probably wont be able to eat while I'm down there unless I am fed by others.
And for the icing on the cake, Dumbass and I just got into a HUGE fight, like probably end-our-friendship kind of fight. Its my fault, really, because I brought my "feelings" into it. Yeah, as in, I laid it all out there. He already knew I liked him, but I really laid it all out there and I think it freaked him out. I think he's also mad, for some reason, about something. He yelled at me and told me I make it really hard for someone to like me since I always throw tantrums. And that hurt, but I know its true. But thats not who I am, normally. I just throw tantrums with him because I dont know, he has a unique ability to make me mad and drive me crazy and what have you. Sigh.
Enough rambling about my love life, the only reason I even mentioned that is to highlight how AWKWARD this weekend is likely going to be.

In other news, I have to go over to the house and finish sorting through all the clothes in my room and packing shit up. So weird. I'm going to miss the house so damn much. We officially move out the 21st.
But yeah, I gotta go do that. I just have to hope I can make it over there without running out of gas on the side of the road.

Being Poor is Ruining My Life

Being poor is ruining my life.

Okay, so maybe I'm being a little melodramatic, but really. I'm pretty sure one of my best friends, we'll call her Barbie, is mad at me right now, for a stupid situation that stems almost entirely from my lack of dough. Her and our friend other friend, we'll call her Skipper, work together at a place like I dunno, 20 or 30 minutes from the house. So anyway after I got home from sleeping over at Barbie's house last night with Skipper, they called me and wanted me to come hang out with them for a bit and then take Skipper home, because one of them was allowed to go home or something. But I said no because I had a lot to do and because I didn't have enough money for the gas to get out there--I've spent a fair amount of money the past couple days on food and stuff for them and a few of our other friends, when we've hung out the past few times. So I've really only got like seven bucks or so, and my gas light came on this morning. So I told them no, and they were like we'll give you a few bucks for gas but I didn't want to waste gas and time driving out there for basically nothing. So I stuck to my guns (for once--I have a tendency to let people walk all over me) and refused.
Then, we had plans tonight to go see a movie with our friend Dumbass (not his real name), who I also happen to have a pathetically massive crush on. When we started planning this yesterday I said we had to go to an AMC theatre, because I have a bunch of free movie passes for AMC theatres, and that was the only way I could really afford to go to the movies. Barbie was reluctant because there aren't really any AMC theatres convenient to where we all live/work/play/whatever. But I told her she could have one of my movie passes and so she warmed up to the idea. But then this afternoon, after the whole earlier me-refusing-to-drive-out-there debacle, Barbie texted me and asked if we could go to the movies out by where they work instead. I asked if there was an AMC out there but she wasn't sure, so I checked online and there isnt. Then she was like "well, you have 7 dollars so Skipper and I will each give you a buck so you can come here." And for some reason I thought she was still going on about me going out there to hang out slash drive Skipper home, and I was like well wow you guys are relentless arent you. And she responded and was like "ok well we arent going to drive to [the AMC theatre we usually go to]. We both have to stay at work. There are 2 theatres basically in walking distance and were offering to pay you to come here. We couldn't go til 9ish anyways." And I was just kind of like "uhh." Because we weren't planning on going til after 10 or so anyways, because Dumbass said he couldn't go before then. And I told them I'd need money for both gas and the movies and I knew they werent going to give me money for all that, and I didnt want them to think I expected them to so I said "You guys cant pay for all of that, thats just stupid." And I haven't heard a peep from them since then, and that was like three hours ago. I mentioned all this to Dumbass, and his only comment was "every1 is being gay." How insightful.

So now I'm angry and bitter and upset. Barbie doesn't seem to understand that I can't just ask my parents for money whenever I need some anymore. And I know for someone who lives like she does, it can be a hard thing to grasp at first--I mean heck, thats what it was like for me at first. But its July now, time to get used to it.

But I hate this so much.

I Haven't Died (Yet)

I haven't written in a few days because I've been crazy busy with finals...And I dont actually have time to write right now either, I just felt the need to update.

Til later!

Money may not buy happiness, but it can buy Hope.

I know no one reads this but on the off chance someone comes across it, I wanted to post this.



Suicide awareness is something that is incredibly important to me. I suffer from fairly severe depression, and its something I've struggled with for a very long time. But no matter how much I want to give up, I could never take my own life, because I know what its like to be on the other side of the equation. When I was 15, one of my close friends hanged himself in him bedroom. Its something that still haunts me, and likely will for the rest of my life. Its the worst pain I've ever had to experience. I would never wish it on anyone. So suicide awareness and prevention is my biggest cause that I support.

Please think about donating.

What Was I Saying? Oh Yeah...Nothing

This whole finding a job thing is the BIGGEST pain in my ass, geesh. And its all becoming complicated in light of recent events. Everyone pretty much figured we wouldnt sell the house til the end of the summer or something, but we did and now my mom's new place is available July 1 and we have to be out of the house by like the 25th or something, which is terrifying. And my mom seems to be under the assumption that I'm just going to live with her. Which I guess is understandable because I've lived with her for most of this. But it kind of isn't what the plan was. Because the two main reasons for my moving in with my dad this summer were one because since the house was on the market we had to keep it clean and looking un-lived in and I couldn't handle that, and also because it was supposed to give me a taste of living on my own. Which so far it has. Moving back in with my mom will take that away.
I think I'll most likely move in with my mom though. Since she's moving like a town and a half over from my dad's place, it wont be as easy for me to shuttle back and forth between the two, meaning that when my dad is home for extended periods of time I'll basically be stuck. And my dad and I just get to each other way too much. Our relationship is always best when we don't see each other much slash don't live together. Plus I'm too excited about the new place; its really, really cute.

I can't wait til I can afford to get my own place. Which, at the rate I'm going, will be on the 16th of never. But my mom did say she would help me out initially, pay like half my rent or something. Its nice since she has her own money now that her and my dad are split, she can do what she wants. And she's pretty sensible about me. So score.

Yeah I wont lie, I completely lost my train of though up there in the first paragraph...my writing was interrupted by a "family meeting" (yeah, we still have those, even though my parents are divorced. Whatever). And then when I came back to finish it, I couldn't remember for the life of me where I was going with it. So this post sucks a lot of ass, sorry.

In other news, I'm still poor.

The World is a Weird Place

I knew my math class was going to suck when I picked up my book from the bookstore and it had a picture of a cow standing in front of a metro car on it. Not only that, but the metro car had math equations and symbols "graffiti'd" all over it. Two words immediately sprang to mind: Oh. God.

And don't even try and tell me I "shouldn't judge a book by its cover." Not only is that not even remotely witty, its false. That little cliche may be applicable to people, but as far as actual books go, its usually very accurate to judge one by its cover. I mean, thats basically the whole purpose of a book cover. Duh.

At any rate, my judgment of my math class was pretty spot on. It sucks. A lot. Granted, a large part of that probably has to do with the fact that its essentially my second time taking this class, and I already knew most of the material the first time around. I suck. Oh well. Even beyond that though, it's kind of lame. Its a six week class so there's only so much we can cover, and I feel like the stuff we've covered is stupid. The teacher is a nice guy but he looks like Santa Claus on vacation and is one of those teachers who likes to go off on tangents and "prepare you for life in general" as opposed to just teaching you math. Which I guess is good, but it just kind of gets old.
The good thing though, is he says "similarly." I swear, every math teacher I've ever had says "similarily" and I'm like THATS NOT A FUCKING WORD. I know you're a math teacher but I mean come onnnn. Basic English. You shouldn't be allowed to graduate college if you think "similarily" is a word.
And then the people. Not to sound like a bitchy diva or anything, but I don't really like people and I just want to sit in my back corner and not talk to people. But apparently people talk to me. On the first day I made a point to sit away from everyone; by the third day or so, like half the class was sitting around me. Whateverrr. They aren't so bad really. But I'm not trying to make any friends. My mom gets mad at me because I'm always such an ice queen when we're out in public but I don't know, I just want to avoid talking to people I guess. I have pretty bad social anxiety.

At least its almost over. Final on Monday, I should ace it. Because I'm awesome.


In other news, my mom got approved for the townhouse she wanted, its really cute and the location is great. Its pretty exciting. Almost enough to counter-act how upset I am about the sale of the house. Almost.

Last thought for the day, community college is such a weird place. The variety of people is overwhelming almost, and its just strange. Today in the bathroom there was a box to a "balloon fun kit!" I was just like...what. I guess its a good experience for me.

I miss university.

No Use Crying Over Spilled Education

So I started crying in the middle of the restaurant at dinner tonight. It was kind of embarrassing. I wasn't like bawling though, so I don't think that too many people noticed.
My mom and I were talking about the future, and what I'm going to do and I just got so upset I couldn't hold it in. And let me tell you I'm not really the crying type. I just felt so upset with myself, for screwing things up so badly, and getting myself into this mess. I've gotten myself all worked up, convinced that I wont be able to go back to a real university after I finish my stint at community college, that I wont be able to get into grad school, just that my entire life is now ruined. Which is a little melodramatic but I tend to be just a littttle melodramatic. I cant help myself.

But we'll see I guess. I mean, not to toot my own horn or anything but I AM smart. I got a 2100 (1420) on my SATs. That has to count for something, right? And I got invited to the honors program at the comm college, which I'm going to look into a little more come fall. Ugh I don't know. I'm just scared I fouled up everything. I have big plans for my future. Or I did.

Anyway enough with emo E, its now officially "late as fuck" and this is a useless post, much like the previous one. Goodnight.

Home is Where....Where is It?

There they are, the two most dreaded words in my life right now. Laid out in bold red letters. The house is, essentially, sold.

We've lived in this house since I was barely two years old. Its the only home I've really ever known. I've been fighting the sale the entire way but of course I dont have any real say. With my parents split up it doesn't make much sense for my mom to live there alone--or at least that was the case when the decision was made last year. But then surprise! E is back home indefinitely. But oh well. I've sort of come to terms with the fact that the house is being sold, now I'm just pissed that it went for such a low price. More than $100,000 too low if you ask me. Not that I really know much of anything about real estate.

Anyway so now my mom has been looking for somewhere else to live, and I've been going with a lot because presumably I'll be living there a lot. I cant spend all my time in dad's one bedroom apartment. So we looked at probably a million places today and its so weird for me. They're all so small. And my mom wants to live closer in to the city than we presently do so a lot of them aren't that nice. She hasn't decided if she wants to rent or own yet but the whole thing is just weird. It makes me sound slash feel like such a spoiled brat but its just what I'm used to. Its weird to have everything changing.

How NOT to Do the Dishes

So I just recently learned that the scrubber thing we have had in our sink for the past year or two is NOT one of the ones that you put dish soap in the handle and it goes into the sponge head part when you scrub the dishes. I thought my mom was going to pass out she was laughing so hard. Embarrassing.
But I mean, in my defense, there IS cap on the end of the handle that screws off. So its totally logical to assume you're supposed to put dish soap in there. What genius came up with THAT design.

Washing dishes is one of those things that is basically impossible to screw up, but yet I seem to find ways to do so anyway. Take last weekend, for example. Sure, I wash the dishes fairly often and have been for many years now. Its easy enough. But although I load and unload the dishwasher all the time, I've never actually run it, save maybe once with my mom's assistance. The one at the house is set to run automatically anyways. Last weekend, though, I was at the apartment and my dad had instructed me to run the dishwasher. So I did exactly what I thought I was supposed to do. But being the genius that I am, didn't realize/remember that you're supposed to use the powder shit, and put in liquid dish soap. Then I set the thing to run and went to watch some Law and Order while I did math homework.
A little bit later I came back to the kitchen to get a glass of grapefruit juice and it was like I had accidentally walked onto the set of one of those cheesy "poor little rich girl" movies where the moron heiress screws up every aspect of normal life that she attempts. There was a HUGE pile of soap suds strewn across the floor, and continuing to leak out of the bottom of the dishwasher. I literally gasped out loud, which is something I just don't do. I stood there in shock for a good few minutes and then went and watched the end of my show, HAHA. I didn't know what else to do.

Then of course right as I go into the kitchen to do something about it, my dad gets home. He always choses the best times to come home early. He didn't really get mad, just treated me like I was stupid. Which I guess I kind of was. If it was my mom she probably would have just laughed with me. As terrible as it was it was also kind of hilarious. I couldn't laugh in front of my dad though. He's kind of a jerk sometimes. A lot of the times.

But oh well. Another learning experience for E. I don't think I'm ever going to forget what kind of soap to use ever again.

In the Beginning, There Was Money

I suppose I should start at the beginning.

It was a dark and stormy night (no really, it was). I was born to a happily married couple, living in the comfortable suburbs outside of Washington, DC. Life progressed, and though I was kept mostly unaware of my family's financial status, it was a nice life. A very nice life.

We weren't rich by any means, but there has never been a moment in my life where money was ever an issue for anything. Not opulent, but definitely cushy. I lived in that same suburban area I was born in my entire childhood, and I'm still there. I don't plan on leaving any time soon, either. I went to Catholic school from kindergarten through the twelfth grade, and spent my freshman year of college at one of the great, expensive universities in the city (no, I wont tell you which one). I'm 19 years old and I've never held a real job, because my parents were content to provide me with the spending money I needed.

But then, something happened. A lot of things happened, actually. The details of which aren't currently important--though they will likely come to light later. Nothing dramatic or tragic, so stop thinking like a Hollywood writer.

The bottom line, though, is things changed for me. And are currently changing. Drastically. I dropped out of my wonderful university, moved out of the big lovely house I've lived in since I was two and into the tiny apartment with my dad halfway across town (yeah, my parents are part of that alleged 50%).
I've enrolled at the community college and have been taking classes part time this summer. Repeating them, actually. I have to repeat a lot of my freshman year courses, embarrassingly enough. But don't judge my character or my intellect for that because I assure you the past academic year is in no way reflective of who I am.
I've been (sort of) trying to find a job (unsuccessfully). My parents aren't giving me $400 a month to live off of anymore. Of course since I don't have a job yet and they can't leave me without money, they've set up a temporary sort of allowance system. Its just enough to squeak by on for now--the fact that at least half of my food is still provided by one parent or the other helps. But its incredibly different than what I'm used to, and incredibly hard.

So here I am now, going to community college (something that is quietly frowned upon in the circles I run in), trying to find a decent-paying job (not easy for a sheltered, inexperienced 19 year old), eating Ramen for the first time in my life, and filling up my gas tank ten dollars at a time (not even three gallons).

It's terrifying but its good for me. Its time for me to grow up a little bit and learn how to make it in the real world.
So this is my journey.