29 June 2008

Money may not buy happiness, but it can buy Hope.

I know no one reads this but on the off chance someone comes across it, I wanted to post this.

Suicide awareness is something that is incredibly important to me. I suffer from fairly severe depression, and its something I've struggled with for a very long time. But no matter how much I want to give up, I could never take my own life, because I know what its like to be on the other side of the equation. When I was 15, one of my close friends hanged himself in him bedroom. Its something that still haunts me, and likely will for the rest of my life. Its the worst pain I've ever had to experience. I would never wish it on anyone. So suicide awareness and prevention is my biggest cause that I support.

Please think about donating.

26 June 2008

What Was I Saying? Oh Yeah...Nothing

This whole finding a job thing is the BIGGEST pain in my ass, geesh. And its all becoming complicated in light of recent events. Everyone pretty much figured we wouldnt sell the house til the end of the summer or something, but we did and now my mom's new place is available July 1 and we have to be out of the house by like the 25th or something, which is terrifying. And my mom seems to be under the assumption that I'm just going to live with her. Which I guess is understandable because I've lived with her for most of this. But it kind of isn't what the plan was. Because the two main reasons for my moving in with my dad this summer were one because since the house was on the market we had to keep it clean and looking un-lived in and I couldn't handle that, and also because it was supposed to give me a taste of living on my own. Which so far it has. Moving back in with my mom will take that away.
I think I'll most likely move in with my mom though. Since she's moving like a town and a half over from my dad's place, it wont be as easy for me to shuttle back and forth between the two, meaning that when my dad is home for extended periods of time I'll basically be stuck. And my dad and I just get to each other way too much. Our relationship is always best when we don't see each other much slash don't live together. Plus I'm too excited about the new place; its really, really cute.

I can't wait til I can afford to get my own place. Which, at the rate I'm going, will be on the 16th of never. But my mom did say she would help me out initially, pay like half my rent or something. Its nice since she has her own money now that her and my dad are split, she can do what she wants. And she's pretty sensible about me. So score.

Yeah I wont lie, I completely lost my train of though up there in the first paragraph...my writing was interrupted by a "family meeting" (yeah, we still have those, even though my parents are divorced. Whatever). And then when I came back to finish it, I couldn't remember for the life of me where I was going with it. So this post sucks a lot of ass, sorry.

In other news, I'm still poor.

25 June 2008

The World is a Weird Place

I knew my math class was going to suck when I picked up my book from the bookstore and it had a picture of a cow standing in front of a metro car on it. Not only that, but the metro car had math equations and symbols "graffiti'd" all over it. Two words immediately sprang to mind: Oh. God.

And don't even try and tell me I "shouldn't judge a book by its cover." Not only is that not even remotely witty, its false. That little cliche may be applicable to people, but as far as actual books go, its usually very accurate to judge one by its cover. I mean, thats basically the whole purpose of a book cover. Duh.

At any rate, my judgment of my math class was pretty spot on. It sucks. A lot. Granted, a large part of that probably has to do with the fact that its essentially my second time taking this class, and I already knew most of the material the first time around. I suck. Oh well. Even beyond that though, it's kind of lame. Its a six week class so there's only so much we can cover, and I feel like the stuff we've covered is stupid. The teacher is a nice guy but he looks like Santa Claus on vacation and is one of those teachers who likes to go off on tangents and "prepare you for life in general" as opposed to just teaching you math. Which I guess is good, but it just kind of gets old.
The good thing though, is he says "similarly." I swear, every math teacher I've ever had says "similarily" and I'm like THATS NOT A FUCKING WORD. I know you're a math teacher but I mean come onnnn. Basic English. You shouldn't be allowed to graduate college if you think "similarily" is a word.
And then the people. Not to sound like a bitchy diva or anything, but I don't really like people and I just want to sit in my back corner and not talk to people. But apparently people talk to me. On the first day I made a point to sit away from everyone; by the third day or so, like half the class was sitting around me. Whateverrr. They aren't so bad really. But I'm not trying to make any friends. My mom gets mad at me because I'm always such an ice queen when we're out in public but I don't know, I just want to avoid talking to people I guess. I have pretty bad social anxiety.

At least its almost over. Final on Monday, I should ace it. Because I'm awesome.

In other news, my mom got approved for the townhouse she wanted, its really cute and the location is great. Its pretty exciting. Almost enough to counter-act how upset I am about the sale of the house. Almost.

Last thought for the day, community college is such a weird place. The variety of people is overwhelming almost, and its just strange. Today in the bathroom there was a box to a "balloon fun kit!" I was just like...what. I guess its a good experience for me.

I miss university.

24 June 2008

No Use Crying Over Spilled Education

So I started crying in the middle of the restaurant at dinner tonight. It was kind of embarrassing. I wasn't like bawling though, so I don't think that too many people noticed.
My mom and I were talking about the future, and what I'm going to do and I just got so upset I couldn't hold it in. And let me tell you I'm not really the crying type. I just felt so upset with myself, for screwing things up so badly, and getting myself into this mess. I've gotten myself all worked up, convinced that I wont be able to go back to a real university after I finish my stint at community college, that I wont be able to get into grad school, just that my entire life is now ruined. Which is a little melodramatic but I tend to be just a littttle melodramatic. I cant help myself.

But we'll see I guess. I mean, not to toot my own horn or anything but I AM smart. I got a 2100 (1420) on my SATs. That has to count for something, right? And I got invited to the honors program at the comm college, which I'm going to look into a little more come fall. Ugh I don't know. I'm just scared I fouled up everything. I have big plans for my future. Or I did.

Anyway enough with emo E, its now officially "late as fuck" and this is a useless post, much like the previous one. Goodnight.

22 June 2008

Home is Where....Where is It?

There they are, the two most dreaded words in my life right now. Laid out in bold red letters. The house is, essentially, sold.

We've lived in this house since I was barely two years old. Its the only home I've really ever known. I've been fighting the sale the entire way but of course I dont have any real say. With my parents split up it doesn't make much sense for my mom to live there alone--or at least that was the case when the decision was made last year. But then surprise! E is back home indefinitely. But oh well. I've sort of come to terms with the fact that the house is being sold, now I'm just pissed that it went for such a low price. More than $100,000 too low if you ask me. Not that I really know much of anything about real estate.

Anyway so now my mom has been looking for somewhere else to live, and I've been going with a lot because presumably I'll be living there a lot. I cant spend all my time in dad's one bedroom apartment. So we looked at probably a million places today and its so weird for me. They're all so small. And my mom wants to live closer in to the city than we presently do so a lot of them aren't that nice. She hasn't decided if she wants to rent or own yet but the whole thing is just weird. It makes me sound slash feel like such a spoiled brat but its just what I'm used to. Its weird to have everything changing.

How NOT to Do the Dishes

So I just recently learned that the scrubber thing we have had in our sink for the past year or two is NOT one of the ones that you put dish soap in the handle and it goes into the sponge head part when you scrub the dishes. I thought my mom was going to pass out she was laughing so hard. Embarrassing.
But I mean, in my defense, there IS cap on the end of the handle that screws off. So its totally logical to assume you're supposed to put dish soap in there. What genius came up with THAT design.

Washing dishes is one of those things that is basically impossible to screw up, but yet I seem to find ways to do so anyway. Take last weekend, for example. Sure, I wash the dishes fairly often and have been for many years now. Its easy enough. But although I load and unload the dishwasher all the time, I've never actually run it, save maybe once with my mom's assistance. The one at the house is set to run automatically anyways. Last weekend, though, I was at the apartment and my dad had instructed me to run the dishwasher. So I did exactly what I thought I was supposed to do. But being the genius that I am, didn't realize/remember that you're supposed to use the powder shit, and put in liquid dish soap. Then I set the thing to run and went to watch some Law and Order while I did math homework.
A little bit later I came back to the kitchen to get a glass of grapefruit juice and it was like I had accidentally walked onto the set of one of those cheesy "poor little rich girl" movies where the moron heiress screws up every aspect of normal life that she attempts. There was a HUGE pile of soap suds strewn across the floor, and continuing to leak out of the bottom of the dishwasher. I literally gasped out loud, which is something I just don't do. I stood there in shock for a good few minutes and then went and watched the end of my show, HAHA. I didn't know what else to do.

Then of course right as I go into the kitchen to do something about it, my dad gets home. He always choses the best times to come home early. He didn't really get mad, just treated me like I was stupid. Which I guess I kind of was. If it was my mom she probably would have just laughed with me. As terrible as it was it was also kind of hilarious. I couldn't laugh in front of my dad though. He's kind of a jerk sometimes. A lot of the times.

But oh well. Another learning experience for E. I don't think I'm ever going to forget what kind of soap to use ever again.

21 June 2008

In the Beginning, There Was Money

I suppose I should start at the beginning.

It was a dark and stormy night (no really, it was). I was born to a happily married couple, living in the comfortable suburbs outside of Washington, DC. Life progressed, and though I was kept mostly unaware of my family's financial status, it was a nice life. A very nice life.

We weren't rich by any means, but there has never been a moment in my life where money was ever an issue for anything. Not opulent, but definitely cushy. I lived in that same suburban area I was born in my entire childhood, and I'm still there. I don't plan on leaving any time soon, either. I went to Catholic school from kindergarten through the twelfth grade, and spent my freshman year of college at one of the great, expensive universities in the city (no, I wont tell you which one). I'm 19 years old and I've never held a real job, because my parents were content to provide me with the spending money I needed.

But then, something happened. A lot of things happened, actually. The details of which aren't currently important--though they will likely come to light later. Nothing dramatic or tragic, so stop thinking like a Hollywood writer.

The bottom line, though, is things changed for me. And are currently changing. Drastically. I dropped out of my wonderful university, moved out of the big lovely house I've lived in since I was two and into the tiny apartment with my dad halfway across town (yeah, my parents are part of that alleged 50%).
I've enrolled at the community college and have been taking classes part time this summer. Repeating them, actually. I have to repeat a lot of my freshman year courses, embarrassingly enough. But don't judge my character or my intellect for that because I assure you the past academic year is in no way reflective of who I am.
I've been (sort of) trying to find a job (unsuccessfully). My parents aren't giving me $400 a month to live off of anymore. Of course since I don't have a job yet and they can't leave me without money, they've set up a temporary sort of allowance system. Its just enough to squeak by on for now--the fact that at least half of my food is still provided by one parent or the other helps. But its incredibly different than what I'm used to, and incredibly hard.

So here I am now, going to community college (something that is quietly frowned upon in the circles I run in), trying to find a decent-paying job (not easy for a sheltered, inexperienced 19 year old), eating Ramen for the first time in my life, and filling up my gas tank ten dollars at a time (not even three gallons).

It's terrifying but its good for me. Its time for me to grow up a little bit and learn how to make it in the real world.
So this is my journey.