06 October 2008

Still Alive, and Still Whiny

Its been a long ass time and I don't really have a legitimate excuse, considering I have been doing NOTHING with my life. I still don't have a job, I decided to take this semester off from school entirely (dumb) so I do very little. Its terrible.
Taking this semester off of classes has been both a great and awful decision. Its awful because I'm miserable and I miss school like crazy. But its great because this intense longing for school assures me that I will eventually go back, and I'm not just going to become a deadbeat. And also its kind of necessary because I need the time to myself to get back in a good place mentally, and sort out my head and shit. And hopefully get in some work experience...if I ever get a fucking job.
The annoying thing about this whole job search, is that the process of applying for a job and such is REALLY REALLY REALLY difficult for someone with anxieties like I have...but no one else can truly understand that so they think its just laziness and excuses. I want a job, I really do, but just the thought of going in somewhere and asking for an application is so inexplicably terrifying that its close to impossible to bring myself to do it.

Anyway today started off great, out of nowhere I got this burst of energy and inspiration and i felt amazing and I decided I wanted to start playing piano again so I went and bought myself two big books of sheet music (with my mom's money...I haven't told her yet...I hope she isn't too mad), one of Debussy and one of more contemporary stuff (its awesome, its like 60 songs from Rolling Stone's '500 Greatest Songs of All Time' the 70s-90s. So many fabulous songs) and then I went to the grocery store like I was supposed to and bought some pumpkin spice coffee creamer, which makes my coffee taste like God, and I just felt like I was on top of the world.
But then I got home and wanted to listen to some of the songs in the books I got so I could get them in my head really well before starting to learn them, but my iPod is dead and my mom confiscated my laptop like a week ago (for no good reason other than she's a huge bitch) and my mom's computer's speakers dont work and my charging dock slash speaker thing for my iPod has been missing since we moved. And I tore apart the basement looking for it and a ton of other stuff that's been missing for ages and I just go so frustrated with not being able to find it that I basically went nuts.
I've calmed down a little bit since (mostly by ranting at people on the internet and stomping around the house muttering "I'm insane I'm insane I'm insane"), but I still feel like I have Officially Flipped My Lid. Not a fun feeling.
In summation, I'm crazy and this keyboard is the biggest pain in the ass EVER to type on (so another thing, I haven't been able to write at all because I can never do as well writing stuff down by hand, I think faster than I can write. So that's also making me nuts). Hopefully though I'll be getting back to writing regularly and hopefully I'll stop feeling like an insane asylum escapee.

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