Still Sucking (AT LIFE)

Well, shit. I all but abandoned this now didn't I. Not that it matters, since no one reads it, but I think writing it was sort of therapeutic for me. So I'm going to try and start updating more regularly again.

Lets see, quick update on my life. Well, I'm pretty miserable right now. I think Barbie and I are officially no longer friends (because of something STUPID, but, well, I think we've already established that she's a stupid fucking whore). I haven't talked to her in a good three months. I'm also just sick of all the other people I hang around regularly, so I've stopped making the 30-45 minute jaunt up to a certain state school that they all attend to hang out with them. With the few people I do still like still several hours away at school, that leave me with No Friends. Being such a solitary creature is not good for me. Granted, being an only child means I'm naturally pretty self-sufficient when it comes to entertaining myself, but still even I like a little socialization now and then. But I haven't the faintest idea how to go about making new friends.

I'm only taking two classes, so that isn't taking up a whole lot of my time. And I hate community college, so so much. But I don't think I'm going to transfer back to a real university until Spring next year at the earliest, and I'm pretty much positive I'm not going back to the university I was at before. So I'm basically doing the great college search all over again, and it's a pain in the damn ass.

I had a job for about a day, but my first day was such a horrible experience that I pretty much quit soon after. My mom is wildly disappointed in me, though my dad has been surprisingly understanding and supportive. The search for a job continues, unsuccessfully.

Speaking of my dad, he moved to Florida. Which is really far away. He claims it was for the warmth and good real estate or whatever, but we all know its because his new girlfriend lives down there. But I'm okay with it. I think.

Beyond that I can't think of anything notable to mention, and I'm already getting bored with this post. I'll try and update again tomorrow.

Home Sweet Empty

It's really stupid and childish how I'm STILL dwelling on the move, and it makes my mom really upset, but I can't freaking help it. I was completely in love with my house and my neighborhood. When I think, I still think in terms of my house. Like you say something about "my room" and I imagine my room in the house. And I was thinking about having a New Years party again and I was imagining everything taking place in the house. Its stupid but I can't help i. That house was my life, I grew up there. And everyone is like "well you're 19, you were going to be moving out soon anyways." And it's like yeah, but I figured I'd still be able to go back there. I don't know, I guess I just always figured it would be like the family house. We bought into the community when it was being planned, and we picked the features for the house. We chose to put the upper deck, we chose the skylights in the master bathroom, etc etc. Its our house. I really hope I can buy it back eventually. I cant imagine the rest of my life without owning that house. Its stupid I guess but I can't help it. If that house was a person, I'd marry it. I know, I know. LAME. But I really don't care.

Still Alive, and Still Whiny

Its been a long ass time and I don't really have a legitimate excuse, considering I have been doing NOTHING with my life. I still don't have a job, I decided to take this semester off from school entirely (dumb) so I do very little. Its terrible.
Taking this semester off of classes has been both a great and awful decision. Its awful because I'm miserable and I miss school like crazy. But its great because this intense longing for school assures me that I will eventually go back, and I'm not just going to become a deadbeat. And also its kind of necessary because I need the time to myself to get back in a good place mentally, and sort out my head and shit. And hopefully get in some work experience...if I ever get a fucking job.
The annoying thing about this whole job search, is that the process of applying for a job and such is REALLY REALLY REALLY difficult for someone with anxieties like I have...but no one else can truly understand that so they think its just laziness and excuses. I want a job, I really do, but just the thought of going in somewhere and asking for an application is so inexplicably terrifying that its close to impossible to bring myself to do it.

Anyway today started off great, out of nowhere I got this burst of energy and inspiration and i felt amazing and I decided I wanted to start playing piano again so I went and bought myself two big books of sheet music (with my mom's money...I haven't told her yet...I hope she isn't too mad), one of Debussy and one of more contemporary stuff (its awesome, its like 60 songs from Rolling Stone's '500 Greatest Songs of All Time' the 70s-90s. So many fabulous songs) and then I went to the grocery store like I was supposed to and bought some pumpkin spice coffee creamer, which makes my coffee taste like God, and I just felt like I was on top of the world.
But then I got home and wanted to listen to some of the songs in the books I got so I could get them in my head really well before starting to learn them, but my iPod is dead and my mom confiscated my laptop like a week ago (for no good reason other than she's a huge bitch) and my mom's computer's speakers dont work and my charging dock slash speaker thing for my iPod has been missing since we moved. And I tore apart the basement looking for it and a ton of other stuff that's been missing for ages and I just go so frustrated with not being able to find it that I basically went nuts.
I've calmed down a little bit since (mostly by ranting at people on the internet and stomping around the house muttering "I'm insane I'm insane I'm insane"), but I still feel like I have Officially Flipped My Lid. Not a fun feeling.
In summation, I'm crazy and this keyboard is the biggest pain in the ass EVER to type on (so another thing, I haven't been able to write at all because I can never do as well writing stuff down by hand, I think faster than I can write. So that's also making me nuts). Hopefully though I'll be getting back to writing regularly and hopefully I'll stop feeling like an insane asylum escapee.

Whining

The only thing I have to say right now is I HATE THIS STUPID MOVE.

More Love, and More Money

So my mother took pity on poor little me and bought me a tank of gas. She figured I could use a little relaxation--I didn't mention to her that I wasn't sure how relaxing the weekend could be with Dumbass there.
As far as things with Dumbass, they got worse before they got better. But they did get better--a lot better. We made up Friday morning, and actually ended up spending most of Friday night and all of Saturday together. It was actually kind of weird...in between our usual bickering and childish behavior, he was acting kind of boyfriend-like. Which, considering it was made painfully clear to me by his best friend that he was only interested in being friends, was confusing. But my theory (which I am pretty confident of) is that he just doesn't know the difference between being nice to a girl friend and being nice to a girlfriend. But oh well. It made for a pretty nice weekend for me.

In other news, though, I think driving around on no gas constantly has completely fucked my gas mileage. It normally takes between a quarter to a half a tank of gas to get down there, but on Friday it took just about the entire thing. Granted, that could have something to do with the fact that traffic was RIDICULOUS and the trip took two hours longer than normal. BUT. Just about the same thing happened on the way back, and there was no traffic or anything that time. So yeah. Thats a bit of a problem.

Hopefully I can get a job and start making some money and be able to take more weekend trips down there over the next year...its going to get pretty lonely at the end of August, when all my friends go back to school. At least my university isn't far, so I can hopefully see my friends from school fairly often. I'm just worried though. This summer has been tolerable mainly because I at least had my friends to fall back on. I don't know whats going to happen when they all leave. Its really hard for me to make new friends, too, because I'm so fricking shy. Meh. We'll see what happens I guess. At least I'll have more time for work and school work? I need to practice that balance though, of work and play.

I have three dollars now, but my dad left me a bunch of money (and an accompanying list of things to do) before he went out of town this morning. Excellent. Some of that money is going to be spent because I'm going to Red Lobster with Barbie and Skipper tonight, but thats okay. I need a bit of self-pampering.

Love and Money

Well the good news is everything worked out fine with Barbie and Skipper and Dumbass and crew.

The bad news is I'm still poor.

I currently have four dollars, and no gas, and I'm in need of some things too. I'm also trying to make a visit down to the other side of the state this weekend, to see my friend Chopstick. She moved down there basically permanently for school, and she wants me to come see her and her new apartment. And I want to go! But I don't have the money for the gas. Originially I was going to ride down with Dumbass and our other friend Firefly, because they were going to go down too, but then Dumbass decided to go down a day early with his buddy Spider and go to an amusement park on the way. I can't go down Thursday since I have class, plus I don't have money for an amusement park. Not to mention I wasn't even actually invited. And then Firefly decided he wasn't going to go down at all. So I basically have to try and scrape together enough money to make it down on my own. Which will be difficult. And I probably wont be able to eat while I'm down there unless I am fed by others.
And for the icing on the cake, Dumbass and I just got into a HUGE fight, like probably end-our-friendship kind of fight. Its my fault, really, because I brought my "feelings" into it. Yeah, as in, I laid it all out there. He already knew I liked him, but I really laid it all out there and I think it freaked him out. I think he's also mad, for some reason, about something. He yelled at me and told me I make it really hard for someone to like me since I always throw tantrums. And that hurt, but I know its true. But thats not who I am, normally. I just throw tantrums with him because I dont know, he has a unique ability to make me mad and drive me crazy and what have you. Sigh.
Enough rambling about my love life, the only reason I even mentioned that is to highlight how AWKWARD this weekend is likely going to be.

In other news, I have to go over to the house and finish sorting through all the clothes in my room and packing shit up. So weird. I'm going to miss the house so damn much. We officially move out the 21st.
But yeah, I gotta go do that. I just have to hope I can make it over there without running out of gas on the side of the road.

Being Poor is Ruining My Life

Being poor is ruining my life.

Okay, so maybe I'm being a little melodramatic, but really. I'm pretty sure one of my best friends, we'll call her Barbie, is mad at me right now, for a stupid situation that stems almost entirely from my lack of dough. Her and our friend other friend, we'll call her Skipper, work together at a place like I dunno, 20 or 30 minutes from the house. So anyway after I got home from sleeping over at Barbie's house last night with Skipper, they called me and wanted me to come hang out with them for a bit and then take Skipper home, because one of them was allowed to go home or something. But I said no because I had a lot to do and because I didn't have enough money for the gas to get out there--I've spent a fair amount of money the past couple days on food and stuff for them and a few of our other friends, when we've hung out the past few times. So I've really only got like seven bucks or so, and my gas light came on this morning. So I told them no, and they were like we'll give you a few bucks for gas but I didn't want to waste gas and time driving out there for basically nothing. So I stuck to my guns (for once--I have a tendency to let people walk all over me) and refused.
Then, we had plans tonight to go see a movie with our friend Dumbass (not his real name), who I also happen to have a pathetically massive crush on. When we started planning this yesterday I said we had to go to an AMC theatre, because I have a bunch of free movie passes for AMC theatres, and that was the only way I could really afford to go to the movies. Barbie was reluctant because there aren't really any AMC theatres convenient to where we all live/work/play/whatever. But I told her she could have one of my movie passes and so she warmed up to the idea. But then this afternoon, after the whole earlier me-refusing-to-drive-out-there debacle, Barbie texted me and asked if we could go to the movies out by where they work instead. I asked if there was an AMC out there but she wasn't sure, so I checked online and there isnt. Then she was like "well, you have 7 dollars so Skipper and I will each give you a buck so you can come here." And for some reason I thought she was still going on about me going out there to hang out slash drive Skipper home, and I was like well wow you guys are relentless arent you. And she responded and was like "ok well we arent going to drive to [the AMC theatre we usually go to]. We both have to stay at work. There are 2 theatres basically in walking distance and were offering to pay you to come here. We couldn't go til 9ish anyways." And I was just kind of like "uhh." Because we weren't planning on going til after 10 or so anyways, because Dumbass said he couldn't go before then. And I told them I'd need money for both gas and the movies and I knew they werent going to give me money for all that, and I didnt want them to think I expected them to so I said "You guys cant pay for all of that, thats just stupid." And I haven't heard a peep from them since then, and that was like three hours ago. I mentioned all this to Dumbass, and his only comment was "every1 is being gay." How insightful.

So now I'm angry and bitter and upset. Barbie doesn't seem to understand that I can't just ask my parents for money whenever I need some anymore. And I know for someone who lives like she does, it can be a hard thing to grasp at first--I mean heck, thats what it was like for me at first. But its July now, time to get used to it.

But I hate this so much.